Narvinyë

...means "January" in Quenya.

I had an excellent idea for a post on loneliness and solitude here, but... I didn't write it. I felt rather alone, the first few hours after everyone went away. Saturday after New Year's, in the morning, the entire gaggle of people but me and fox took the ferry, and fox left in the afternoon. I really really liked living with him. We have the opportunity for that far too seldom. And I really liked having people here, too, and all the roleplaying. And then I was utterly alone, again, and I couldn't stand the thought of having another half year of that, but Sludge took the next bus in and then we had a nice time together too. I don't mind solitude - I really like solitude, and I need it. But loneliness is something different altogether, and when I can't hang out with anyone, even should I wish to, I feel a bit lonely.

There was a lot of Exalted roleplaying. Sometimes it worked well, sometimes less so. I find I want fox to give a bit more space for the characters, and their characteristics - I mean, how come no one of the roughly two hundred human soldiers that we are dragging along everywhere, have fallen head over heels and stuttered something inaudible while giving a flower to the insanely beautiful fae-blooded Exalt we've got with us?
It's hard playing Jez sometimes, though... she's supposed to be inquisitive, cheerful and rather intense, and when I'm not super-duper-full of energy, that can be... hard, and even far from motivating. I don't know what else I'd play... I have an idea for a Dynasty Warriors Sima Yin-alike, sort of, but I'm not sure about the personality. Possibly, that would be Sima Yin-ish too.

I barely got annoyed at all at people. Despite the interesting comment of, why don't we start playing earlier, or, why shouldn't we play today, which have a very very good explanation: people got up at, oh, around two or three pm. I promise you, mi amigos, it's far easier if you DO take that little piece of energy needed, and get up after nine or ten hours of sleep, instead of twelve, thirteen. Odd how it works out, but I suppose one doesn't know before one has experienced it. And, also, it would be easier if we had one more room. It's not as easy resting well if you're many in the same room.

Practicing in -5 Celsius and below was excruciating at times, but all right when socks and haori and other things were on. It's not much use to be a beginner, because you simply don't know enough to keep going and keep your body temperature up, but me and Malk managed to get something out of it, at least.
Why so cold? Because instead of paying 200 SEK an hour to the local government for one of their spaces, I borrowed an old Medieval house with a nice floor, but one that has no heating and single windows. Worth it, though.

The 40K roleplaying was really, really good. I was worried, since we've nae done it for six months, that it'd be meh, but it was great. Anjie comes easily to me. And it's so good to see the characters being themselves - Sam just won't stop going on about how she should find it more significant, visiting her old and Tyranid-eaten homeworld and house, while Req just shrugs and says your family, it's who you surround yourself with, and Anjie, well, she said farewell to her family when she went onboard the Black Ships, and has never even had hopes of seeing them again. Though she was a bit touched, finding the idol of the saint, with the inscription of "In memoriam: Anjie", the Saint Idora, a minor saint guiding those lost so that they may come home again.

Oh, and having a memory of how she got her silver aquila, THAT was awesome. Maybe I'll tell you about it some day.

What then... well, eventually I, too, took the ferry to the mainland, to go work. As ever, future is uncertain. I need to get a move on about my studies, so I have. And then I went home again at first available opportunity. And though I've missed practice three evenings out of four this week, I don't really feel guilty... I've been skiing instead, enjoying it with my heart and soul.

I've caved in and am going to paint at least a tiny wee bit of an Eldar army... because they are SO COOL. I need that special edition bonesinger model though...

Have found new, wonderful music - Asonance, and their "Vzdálené Ostrovy (Na Hu O Ho)" which is... oh, it's so beautiful! And the band "Elven", too.

On Saturday, it's time once again for Katarina Wallén to come forth. I look forward to it, a bit too much perhaps. I'm going to have a friend there, from "the old days", and that's likely to make it even better. Katarina is... it's been twelve years, I think. She never left me. They never do.

Sooner or later, I'm going to try and write about my realities. At any given time, I'm usually present in at least two. It's hard to explain but suffice to say, the one that people call the REAL reality, well, I don't care for it much, so I'm usually somwhere pretty close, but somewhere I can stand. And sometimes, I'm so far I don't register the so-called "real" reality at all.


And I had something really neat to say about, I don't know, people, relationships, but it boils down to this: I don't do jealous. Envious, oh yes, but not jealous. So, if someone else gets to kiss someone I like, or love, or have a crush on, I will perhaps feel "Aw, no fair, I want TOO!" but I'll never feel "...GRARH, MINE, hands off, you bastard/bitch, and you, unfaithful dog, I hate you, how can they, rage rage".
Envy, but not of the dark kind. Not jealousy. And jealousy is a plague, and because people seem to be so fond of it, and so fond of the notions we are fed about rosy-eyed eternal monogamous love, it will continue to flourish. Dear gods, stop it, love isn't like water in a can, that you have to divide between glasses, or that run out. It's a sea - love it, like it, but don't trust it; it flows as it wills, and remember, there is water everywhere, even if but the dew of the morning.