Apprehension

When all I've truly ever asked for and required is communication, I find I cannot help but justify being upset when this is not done, is ignored.



When I look back at what the past two years have brought during the first week of January, I think I am quite right in being a little apprehensive. Of course, it may have been some sort of exercise, so that I would be ready when the big thing hits. I don't much fancy another breakdown, though, so the question is whether it's going to be "bouncing back" which I did not do the past two times, or something really drastic - getting forcibly put into mental health care, saying bye bye for good or doing something like moving far away.

I guess I'm hoping I won't have to say "Not again."
Mostly hoping. I guess part of me is morbidly hoping I actually will. It might kill off some of the constant pain. I don't know. I hope I've learned enough about being lonely by now, though, so that I can work from that, and anything, anything at all, that is more positive than that, will be positive enough for me to survive relatively intact.


I didn't know being a "grown-up" would be this horrible. When a teenager, I could fall back on things... not that I liked to, and not that it was very good, and not that I ever did... but now I'm very much supposed to fix everything myself. You know, money, roof over my head, food on my table, that sort of thing. Heh, I almost start crying as soon as I think about it.




This wasn't where I was supposed to be, but it is where I am.
And the winter is here, and the time of endings, and I wonder if I will really survive this time around.