Helwa

Helwa means "pale blue" in quenya.

I'm not always like this
It's something, I become
A terrible weakness
In my nature, in my blood
Save me, oh save me, save me from myself
Before I hurt somebody else again

Domino motion jump starts when we touch
The blackout approaching
Here it comes now, wish me luck
It's all over, it's all over, it's all over in a flash
I can't remember,
What have I done now?

Go, go, faster wider more
more, get it down, ya
Dance dance take me over
Glittering cloud
Glittering cloud

Oh, my head hurts
Oh dear oh dear.

It's all over the papers
On the TV, wagging tongues
The artist's impression looks just like me
only... better
Don't blame me, don't maim me, I can't help what I am
Oh, Lord knows I've tried to

Go, go, faster wider more
more, get it down, ya
Dance dance take me over
Glittering cloud
Glittering cloud

"Glittering Cloud" by Imogen Heap.


Didn't practice Wednesday, wise, perhaps, because my knees were very tired, and more so after getting a new bed on IKEA. Mmm, big bed, lots of space for my iaito to sleep beside me. Thursday I practiced, despite left knee being a bitch all day long. Friday, work, Saturday... oh, Saturday. Four working, when we're usually six, and seven during the worst hours. Luckily, we had outriders that took the introgames and intropaintings for us. But then, no one locked the door, and twenty minutes to six we were still open and doing business. At seven we were finished packing up the order that arrived Friday... unpaid overtime, anyone? Feth, and they think I'm complaining that we need more hands...

Recently, I've not felt the cheerful "yay, I want to work!"-feeling. In fact, it's been a bit to the contrary. I feel frustrated and as if I'm not enough when I'm there, and unappreciated when I'm away. I want to be an archaeologist now, I've had enough of fake social and white lies and dealing with people who're too rude for their own good. And with dealing with the nice people, too.

The three final essay-tests that I'm already late in handing in are not helping. Gods, they're heavy to write. Dammith.

Foxling was in town Friday to Sunday, but I think you've already guessed how much we had time to meet... And Sunday, of course, was iai practice from ten to five. It was awesome, apart from that pesky summertime thing, that had me not get enough sleep.

We started with Seitei iai, it was a lot of people from Kensei and five or so from the Linköping club, after the extensive warmup. My knees were still bitching, so I had to do a few kata standing, but most of them I managed to do from seiza! We got through ipponme Mae, to sanbonme Uke-nagashi, that is kata one to three, before lunch. My friend Voltaren in a tube and me had a date, and after lunch, my nemesis, yonhonme Tsuka-ate, number four, was up. I know fairly well these days how to not treat my knees, and how to make them last the day, so I did. It was still a relief when we started on the standing kata.
All in all, it was incredibly useful. But the greatest achievement that I felt, was my noto! The sheathing of the sword. Something just... gradually happened, and it started feeling awesome good. Silly enough, I wanted someone to notice how good it went ^-^
Also, at some point, I actually felt a whisper of a wind of feeling like a sandan. "Aye... about this good, is how I'm supposed to be..."
Then, in the afternoon, after two more short breaks, a lot of water, some food and so on... there was competition practice. That is, reiho and five kata, and make sure to use as much of the six minutes you have as possible, without going overtime. By then, everyone was very, very tired. So I reverted to old ways in many kata, which is bad, but still managed to retain some of that which I'd learned during the day.

Yesterday I didn't practice, which had me climb the walls in frustration, but I did work, and it was wise to let my knees rest. Today, however, I did, and it was koryu all the time. Which I really appreciate! But I feel like such a klutz. I should be able to perform the kata with a wee bit more of grace, I think, but it's just... so difficult. I get the idea of the kata. I do, really, and the idea about timing and everything. But it's like my body just doesn't want to remember. Koryu is right. Koryu is fluid, flexible, where Seitei is rigid, stiff, square and linear, and, well, Seitei is the principle of the matter, and nothing much else. Koryu is useful, if you can say that.
And I should have started this years ago. Dammith, I'm supposed to go for sandan, third dan, this spring. I should have started koryu years ago.

There's a problem with that too, though. Choosing the right koryu, school, style. Ohara-sensei told me, told us, unless maybe Malk doesn't remember, to go "ronin", sort of, and learn about other ryu, their philosophies and such. However, once you've started on one koryu, the others will be loathe to take you in. My goal was only ever to learn, never to spy, and to find the one that fit me the best, like sensei said, but how can I learn, when they might not want to teach me? And I find that the ryu that right now is probably going to be my choice, Musou Shinden ryu, I am not choosing for its merits or its philosophy - I still need to find out more about that, and to be honest the thought of how it came to be still sits a bit uncomfortably with me - but for it's availability. My life, as it is, as it feels, as it will probably be, will see me moving about some more, I predict. And then, MSR might be the easiest, because it is the largest ryu at least outside Japan. Jikiden is large, too, but still. ...and I always liked going my own way, finding the uncommon things, doing them because not everyone else does... though here, it seems I might have to go vanilla. But that last bit is mostly an annoying by-product of an idea, or something.

Well, it had me thinking, again, and once again wishing I could go to Japan. At the moment, I actually have the money. Thinking ahead... about the summer, I don't, however, so I might have to wait another month and see how things look. Japan, Ohara-sensei. I will come. Soon.


Spring is whispering again. Longing for Scotland hit me hard today. And with it all the memories. And with that, more memories, more thoughts. It's not fair that love should be such a mess. Living too far from someone you love is no fun!
But fox said something about wanting to study Japanese woodworking techniques.

Right, tomorrow, practice again. And on Thursday. I downed my first home-blend of Gainer and Whey-80 after practice today, and it hit my tummy like a... a... bowling ball. Hopefully it'll help me build muscles, or at least keep them at a proper level, instead of eating into them because I eat a wee bit too little.
Now, sleep, because those stupid three tests won't write themselves and I have to do other things tomorrow as well.