Ringa

...means "cold" in Quenya.

Winter. A time for endings and ends, for deaths and for rest and oblivion. Only, I wish it didn't hurt so, and I wish there was more of the certainty that was there before the decision and the going-through with it, afterwards.

I've never really left a gaming campaign like this before. I've seen hiatuses and endings and loss of interest but this time I made the conscious decision, brought on by many many reasons one of them being a storyteller's unwillingness to tone down on certain themes and moods because of a gamer (me, duh) and another being my own idiot schedule which sees me fret over being the biggest preventer of gaming for everyone. After all, if I say "no sorry I cannot" and people say "oh pity then we won't" I feel bad for them, and if they still do game, even if I am ostensibly all right with it, well, I am not. I don't like being left out.

I pity the poor character. I feel like I'm letting her down. But after all, now I won't have to feel like I'm bogging everyone down anymore. And that, I think, might be the important point.
Look, already they are planning on getting together more often.
Which of course makes me feel even more miserable, but that's just a passing fancy. It is not a bad thing, and it is not something that is "real". It's just part of a dysfunctional thought process.

But there is no way I can force myself to feel comfortable with gaming anymore. Sure, it deprives me of the only gaming group I know, one which I've had marvellous adventures together with... but eh. Winter. A time for endings.


I just wish other things could end, too, like, depressions, misery, dysfunctional thought processes and the constant, choking fear of going broke again. There are good things in my life, really, there are! It's just that the darkness clouds them over and I can't draw strength from them or find joy in them. If this is part of some bipolarity or going deeper down into this neat little depression I'm not at all sure I want to be along for the ride. Let me out of this, dammit.