Ronyo

...means "hound of chase" in Quenya.

Moodswings. So bad that I can almost register how many hours one episode of "up" or "down" lasts. And the "downs" are very, very bad indeed. I can't handle anything properly right now. Someone else feeling down? Cue feeling insufficient. Someone else doing something nice? Cue feeling left out. Someone else just, you know, existing? Cue feeling an overwhelming urge to run the hell away. I'm trying to self-medicate with the darkest chocolate I can stomach eating, and sometimes hanging out with Sludge and playing Dynasty Warriors 7 Xtreme Legends, which is proving to be even more fun than ordinary DW 7, and more fun than I anticipated too. But that only lasts so long and Sludge has other things to do, too.

And the fact remains that moodswings are moodswings and though I was up (rather chipper the night before yesterday in fact, pretty decent yesterday and even this morning), I am now down again. I was so down before that, that I don't know if it was me who was talking, doing, thinking, or the depression. I haven't really been altogether well the past year, but I have had episodes of feeling fine, and a lot of the time good, even, but the autumn has seen a lot of bad things and it appears that I am now unable to just "snap out of it", or indeed do anything but get up to the proverbial surface, breathe a few panicked breaths that are half water anyway and then get dragged back down.


It doesn't get better. When I'm up I always fear the downs, because I know they will come. This is worse than I have ever experienced, and my pre-menstrual moodswings are pretty debilitating in themselves, but this, this is... teenage bad, hormonal medicine bad, it's... it's impossible to come up with something to make it go away.
The root of the problem lies in me, and I have no idea how to deal with it. It's like an illness. Like having the flu, except it's in the mind, in the soul, in the thought-processes. I wish someone could help out, or give me an explanation that makes people realise the severity of the problem (rather than "moodswings" which sounds relatively tamed compared to the problem in itself).

And all the bad things come creeping up on me. All of them. I know I did the right thing in doing this choice or that particular thing, but... did I really? Both "did I really" and "was it really me who did" may apply. And All the bad news, and all the little issues, and all the big issues, and the monetary trouble and the insecurities and unfulfilled wishes and so on and so forth, and bad news former and latter and new and upcoming.

I so wish I could handle this. I so wish I knew what it is, and why, and could combat it. I wish I could function normally, in private, with another person, with a few people, in groups and in public. Or at least knew how to not crash things. The pain that is invisible is no less real, I'm afraid.