Nyérë

...means "sorrow" in Quenya.

I wish I was calling you to see if you are sleeping, and if you're sleeping, if you're dreaming, and if you're dreaming...
...but I'm not and I'm never going to again, am I?


Always you until the end of the world...


All the weights that keep me down
seem heavier than before
they hit me in my face
though you feel nothing.

All in time will heal you say
your words are therapy
/.../

Apoptygma Berzerk, "Until the End of the World"



I wish someone would tell me what to do and how to act and behave, because I have no idea.

I don't know if I want to punch you for being what seems so damn unfair to me, or to shoot myself for being what I am and being unable to change it. I want to hurt you because you mean so much to me and I look at the pictures and all I do is cry because I see your warmth and light in them and it isn't for me anymore. I see them and I see you and I see what was and I can't wrap my mind around that which is "now" because it is all so wrong.

I just hope it wasn't the easy way out, the way you went because it was easier than talking with me, communicating, trying to work things out. I think that if I found out it was, I'd start feeling something I don't like to feel, and that is revulsion, disappointment and bitterness. But still I wish you would tell me if it was.

I guess in the end, whatever I was, it wasn't good enough.

Please. May it not have been a decision not to communicate and take the easy way out.



And yes. I'd cry and I'd thank the world, and it wouldn't feel like any kind of wrong at all, if you decided to say "look... if we just talk, come to some conclusion about how we could solve this, we could still go on". And I'd do my best, and I'd try. Because I believe in communication.

Stupid, for certain... but me.



If ever you read this: I'm so very sorry.