Seler

...means "sister" in Quenya.

Life kicks me in the face now and then. The pain in my chest turned out to be not from anything physical, but from something mental. I am an Aspergirl and have been diagnosed with "high-functioning autism", which isn't a surprise but rather helps me start figuring out how to deal with... well, life. The past half-year and more has been a time of all systems shutting down, and then coming to life again, most of them different, some of them missing something. I'm not how, who, or what I was. It's still tricky going out among people, very tricky at times. Even when I'm in places and situations where I feel the most secure, I can feel the wings of panic rising.

Medieval Week was a lovely time apart from when I had to almost panicking run away from everything and sit down by myself someplace quiet. I had a lovely time with Sayuri, and we've become quite close. Pity we've done the switcheroo with where we live... All in all though, it's been a rough time. I finally conceded to trying pills, the very mildest of them, and the anti-anxiety pills hits me over the head like a hammer when I need to sleep, where they ought to merely make me calm down, and the anti-depressants seem to work well, apart from making me sleep a lot less and not entirely stopping the moodswings. I did one day of larping at the Weave of Fate this year, which was a good choice, as it was also the only day it did not rain heavily, and I needed to try if I even could larp. The Lilla Lugnet was a good time, especially after I looked myself in the mirror, told me/Vincent that we're fabulous, gorgeous and desirable, and managed to reset her a bit to her original character - and then I went out and had a great time all the time instead of having to go off now and then to be in peace and quiet. Staying behind afterwards to help out with the cleaning up, packing down of tents etcetera was as good an idea as going to the larp was. It was a very good way of winding down and getting all the post-larp feelings out of the way.

I haven't been back to work more than three days in early summer, mostly because the insurance company decided to be awkward. I also am thinking of letting my mother handle all official papers etcetera for me. I need an entire day to work up the nerve, then call/write/deal with it, and then to calm down afterwards, when I have to do something with official paperwork, agencies, bills etcetera. I'm not proud of it but it doesn't get better no matter how hard I try. I'll simply have to live with it and work on it some more.

My illustrations for a children's book seem to be on the way to get published. Hurrah.

I am proud of my paintings and sewing projects. I live in my own little apartment and it feels great and I like it, even if it's one hour away from everything. I've lost a lot of muscles but I'm working on regaining them, and I hope I'll be able to go to iai practice as often as possible, but the head has the last say in that, usually.

I don't feel comfortable with hugs and with physical closeness, nor with mental closeness either, after the latest shitstorm. When the one person I've trusted blindly suddenly does something that, to this person, that is, me, suddenly turns that trust upside down and shows them to be unreliable, it's a bit tricky to find one's footing again, no matter what the cause of the earthquake was. On the good side of that matter though, I am now able to hang out with Anselm quite relaxedly and without any emotions getting in the way. He's simply a great friend whom I like to snog now and then, when he feels the same way.

I'm anxious about autumn and winter. I'm not sure I can deal with them well anymore. Or possibly that's just bad memories from the past year. It's not been a good one, in many respects, despite some good things that have happened. I'm not the me many people knew, and I need to meet "friends" once or twice before I'm comfortable around them again. With some, even that isn't enough, and it's all I can do to pretend, or to simply say, we are acquaintances, but please, this is not personal, we do not know eachother anymore.

Terry Pratchett and the Discworld books in audio format have been a lifesaver, as have Charles de Lint's books in paper format. Go on, try them.

And now I'm going to have another go at paperwork. I want to be able to go to Scotland soon again so I'll have to get my study papers in order and so on. I wish I could just go over to Sludge's place and enjoy even more Dynasty Warriors.