Onóni

...means "twins" (pl, the singular is onóna). Because I've had this obsession with the Weasley twins and their gorgeous older brother Bill lately. Seriously. Those two are one of the very best things in all the books, and, the movies too.

January did turn out to be quite a lot of mental agony, of course. It was rather close there, that there was a third ending, but what with twelve years behind us and all, I figured that I can't just dismiss someone from my life, despite all the reasons speaking for that. Money is again laughing me in the face, and so are the various means of procuring it. Sure, I could try and get a job. And get myself straight back to where I was a year ago. ...I think not. Oh well. Which, if you rewrite it, is "ow hell".

Keep eating far too much of the dark chocolate variant of the Geisha chocolate sort. But the days inevitably gets better if I do...

Fell ill, of course, right at the time of two home exams. Managed them anyway, after a bit of herbal remedies, LemSip and sleep.

I keep having nightmares. I write now because I had one last night that took all day to shake off.
And, you must understand, it is possible this dream was going on in several layers at once, or in scenes, cutscenes and flashbacks, or perhaps in different times altogether, but what it came down to was that many of the people who mean something to me emotionally, whom I like or hold dear or just plain love as a friend, were there (strangely, though, I can recall none who are in real life more recent than two years). Iwhy, Anselm, fox, Loriel and others. And in almost every single instance, I hurt them, or something went wrong, or there was some misunderstanding that I couldn't possibly be the cause of, and was no fault of mine, but that nevertheless made me feel wretched and desperately wanting to fix things, and, unable to do so, feel even worse.
There were people who'd rather not meet eachother, and problems with sleeping arrangements, not enough pillows, people who got bored, others who were offended by something, yet others were overlooked or forgotten...
And in the middle of everything other story threads were interwoven, so that I cannot say "the dream was about this" at all.
But I remember the feeling of desperately wanting to make these people who meant something to me feel good, and be happy, and being absolutely unable to do anything about it.

It was bad enough that, when I woke up, I could not analyse the dream and point to things I've been thinking about or done lately, that might have influenced it. It was just emotionally very upsetting. And I kept wanting to phone those I remembered from it, throughout today, and tell them I was sorry, though, for what, I couldn't define. And even if I could it was a dream, and they would have no idea in reality what had happened in the dream, or any relation to it at all.
Not until after Kali practice did it stop haunting me, not until that overdose of adrenaline, oxytocine and whatever else I get out of that kind of practice, had hit and began to ebb away again.

I want to say to you all that I am so very sorry for everything I did, everything I have done, everything I will do, whatever it has been, inadvertedly, unknowingly, that has hurt you or made you feel bad in any way.

It was just a dream, but it haunted me all day long, and perhaps it will keep doing so for some time longer.

...oddly enough, there was never any trace of that other thing which sometimes haunts me, that is, things being the other way round. I was taken on an oddyssey of sorrow over being unable to treat people right, but never that thing which brings me down so effectively, having it happen to my own self.