Quildë

...means "quiet, hush"

"You'll have it soon, I just have to fix [this or that]."
"It's just that I've been busy."
"I know I didn't say it, but, it was like this..."

...echoes, coming back, haunting thought they shouldn't be. I got rid of THAT person from my life, but here the words are again.

No wonder I feel uneasy at every word, no matter if it's reasons/excuses or something else. It's like hearing HIM again. And I'm grown well past that point of life, that person doesn't cross my mind more than a few times a year, but the things that stayed with me, that continue to make life difficult, they, well, they are still here and they are clanging like monastery bells when a raid is coming. It does not help that cold memories surface, that icy chills run through me as I think that I may have got over THAT person and what he did to me, but, only a few years prior, someone else did something similar, and I had almost forgotten just how similar it really was... And THAT person, I never even wanted to get rid of, and it took until much, much later that I realised what they'd done, too.
Trust. Oh, that difficult thing. I find myself thinking, "...but why are you lying to me?" and I wish I wouldn't but I have nothing to gainsay that little voice, and it's not a dark shadow over my shoulder anymore, it is doubts that are inside me, inside my mind and to the very core of my being, and I cannot stop them, and I have nothing to put up as evidence against it...

I must let go now. I must stop trying to be the one to "fix" things. I must try and stop talking, to leave it up to that other one. Not even saying the above words has made any change at all, so, I must stop completely.

And maybe in a few years again... I'll have stopped thinking about them, every day.

Alt ir baugum bundit, though, I'd not have minded if this particular part of such a circle would never have come again in such a similar shape as this. Was I a fool for thinking the ice had cracked and the eyes showed a soul? No, I think they did, for a while, but I have not seen it for some time. They have seemed shrouded to me. I must tell myself, that this is not because of me, no fault of mine. Nor, however, am I due much merit. Nothing I have done or said have simply had any effect. And it did not being with the second crash. It began long before that. I just didn't put enough information together. Oh well, the pain usually subsides after a few years. Again, it won't be for lack of trying from my part, at least....

Time to practice shutting up again.