Hiding under water

Just back from practice. I love iai. It is the one piece I really trust in my life. The one stable thing.

What's not as stable is the message I recevied today, from the mayhethricebecursed-ex. Says he knows nothing of my whereabouts or if the phone number is still valid, and that "honestly, he's just tired with things being this way", that he "can't let go of me despite it all being years ago" but that he wants to. And that he lives in Stockholm nowadays and would like to meet some day to "put everything behind." Dear me. I'm thinking of asking him how it comes that it's still bugging him, seeing as he didn't seem particularily worried but only very self-righteous and snotty at the time, but then I remembered how he is and began thinking that an ulterior motive of wanting to "feel safe" about coming down to Medieval Week on Gotland (without angst, having to be on the lookout for people he knows doesn't like him me included, and generally just feel self-righteous about having some kind of permission to be there or whatever), and that led me to remembering that whatever he says I can't bring myself to believe him. Not. A. Single. Word. It's a shitty feeling, but there is no way ever I will be able to. He can claim facts and show me papers if he wish to, I have no way of making myself feel certain enough. No, not ever can I believe a single word. It's a strange feeling.
So I'm undecided as to what to do yet. I believe we run in the same circles and will run into eachother, but we were rather cilivized the last time, so I don't see a problem. And yeah, sure, he hurt me and all but I had it coming and it's not that bad, really. And if he thinks there is even an inkling of a romantic feeling...? Well, that's just laughable. In my diary, I wrote "All's well, I guess, now I just have to fall in love, too." in the spring of the first year of our "relationship". Nah, I'll see what happens. It's a big *SHRUG* all in all. Calculating, manipulative people are so wearying to be around anyway.

It's decided, I'll be playing the bastard bitch Jann for "Magnamund" :3 Will be fun. Will be exhausting. Will give half the larping community on the island a very strange idea about me, but oh well. On another note, I started with the essay. Go me. And Ron Korb not only makes excellent music, he's bloody cute, too.

Wolf is at the larp "Code Fenix" so I'm all alone. A song popped into my head, and I found the video on YouTube. At times, I get a certain song that just won't go away, that is inexplicably linked with a situation. For some reason, this song occurred to me, long before we were a couple. It's a nice one, and one that speaks volumes. Not the ideal one, I'd say, but the message means a lot to him and me.
Which, I must say, it does to other people to. It was specific for us, but the song fits other situations too. Funny how it goes sometimes.


Thank you to the people who have taken the time to reply to my entreaty in the last post. I am in the process of copying the kind words to notes, because notes work well for me, and then I can have them in a place where they can easily be reached - and then I will be reminded, that others, too, see something good in me. It's very awkward, but at times I need reassurance from others to actually dare think and believe the way I do, I may have an idea, but not until "confirmed" by someone else can it be put forth. Very awkward, I find it.
I don't think many know how important simple, straightforward and positive words are to me. But then, I have a hard time thinking others could know, when in reality, the amount of people doing so must be somewhere around "everyone".
Thank you.