Nimloth

When I read through certain things I have written in the past, I realize where I am and how things are. I blink, and I realize with disgust that if I was smart, I'd fucking call it off completely. It's not going to change for the better. Gods, can't I just listen to my (pessimistic)realistic side sometimes?
Strange dreams. I thought they were good but I suppose I was wrong.
Not a bad day in the shaft. We got further down, of course, found more stones. Some more fragments. Even one piece where we could measure it's position.
Good lunch. I have good ideas at times!
The medicine is making my body act wonky again.
Mother seemed rather happy, the students had done lots of very nice stuff! Many fine examples of art and practical things that has to do with skins and wool and stuff. Also, ran into my friend the elven composer on my way home! We will go together to the concert tomorrow, very nice!
Imogen Heap reigns again. It's bittersweet, in a way.
Maybe I'll find some food. No fun this evening, I am (to be honest, which I try to avoid at least telling and showing, as it just gets people down) very disappointed, but "Chocolat" is on tonight and Johnny Depp I cannot say no to!

Edit: I'm going to have a Beltane party to myself. I suppose I should have had it last week, during full moon, or next week, during the dark phase, but time and shit won't permit it, and besides, maybe forcing out the Seelie side completely will make my life a bit easier. Let's try. Fire, fire, burning bright.
Wish that AlecRavager was here, or any other changeling. They'd understand.
Later edit: Yes, it feels better now. Other things feel worse. I think this was it. And it is almost exactly a year now. Haha, I should be so sad, and I find myself smiling with the sadness. Was this the limit, then? Was this it? I tried, and I think I did well. I'm not sure how I'll survive without becoming just an empty shell... maybe I'll find a way. I am sorry, I truly am! Please understand that. There really didn't come anything good from this, after all, did it. Forgive me, even if you do nothing else. [And then, I wrote some nice things here, but I removed them, because after all, what does it matter anyway?] I wish that things were as good as they are in my daydreams, just every once in a while!
Or am I just going under, dragged by the demon? I have no way of knowing. No way of knowing. I might be away for a while, but, that's all right! Maybe I'll have something good to write about soon, for instance we might find something in our shaft at Ajvide!

Three things that went well today:
Digging. Talking with mother. Getting home.

I am thankful for:
Daydreaming. Imogen Heap's lyrics. Random phonecalls from nice people.

I could use some help with:
Riding (and not just be dragged along) the wave even when the situation is bad. Getting myself to go to bed earlier. Staying alive.