Árë

...means "sunlight" in Quenya. It's snowstorm outside but I'm not really concerned.

I am in love, and I burn with love, and it feels as if it's for the whole of the world! I woke up with a big smile on my lips, and I've not really lost it since. I'm all out of money, and I know I've said it before but this is one of those times that's happened maybe once before - ALL the money is out, and I don't even have anything left of my getaway stash. That last part makes me furrow my brow, but I'm trying to tell myself I've got money, and I do have a lot anyway, even if it LOOKS like I'm all out. IF positive thinking works, and the universe responds to it, hey, I'm not about to turn my back on magic just because it might NOT work.

Where was I?

Happy, yes! I woke up being in love, and I'm in feeling love with just about everyone in the apartment. Unfortunately, not everyone I'm in love with is in the apartment, but there you go. I was somewhat petulantly miffed that a certain someone wasn't in this very apartment to give me one of those dazzling smiles, but I wrote a text message to said person complaining and telling said person that I'd have to console myself with tea and toast. I received the reply that regardless of where s/he was, I'd made them smile anyway (and a damn pity, I thought, that I wasn't there to see it)!

And then I opened one mailbox and what was there? Oh yes! Yesterday, I sent in four of my best works in watercolour, pencil and so on, as requested by the course that I applied for a few weeks back. Late, I know, but there was a certain amount of work involved in transferring them from paper into computer and, well, that's never really been something that worked very well for me. Scanners and I are... let's not go there. I think I've mentioned that before.
Anyway! I got up, feeling in love and then I see that mere minutes before, I received reply - "Your application has been accepted. Please pay the tuition fee within three days." - and the day got EVEN BETTER! So this spring, I will study art! At an open university, with non-physical classroom. This means that I can pop over to Scotland to do some of the assignments! Theoretically anyway. I will be studying an arts course, that will mostly be focused on acrylics and oil, something which I see as a proper and fun challenge. I'm really a watercolour kind of artist, but this will be lots of fun and I hope that I will really grow as an artist. Also, one reason why I chose this particular course, well, despite the information and stuff around it not looking entirely clear and rather messy, I still hope it will turn out well, and, most importantly: Part of it is dedicated to teaching how to make online galleries and promoting your art to be able to sell it, and such things. And THIS was one of the reasons why I decided to apply for it. I might go on and live the way I do, which is in general in a fairly unplanned manner, taking life as it comes - I can't really do it any other way. It stresses me out to no end having to plan things more than about a month in advance. I can't know what happens before then! If something comes up that would be such an awesome thing to do and experience, I've got to be able to do it! Don't I?

Yes. Head and mind just about all over the place.

What I was going to say was, that though I might live the way I do the insidious thinking about how to make a living has become such a worry for me, that it comes almost naturally to be calculating about what I do with my time. And this is a good way to motivate studying art in front of the ever-present pesky "others", that the course is partly about how to learn some ways to make a living out of it. And it feels good. Because I want to be able to do with my time fun things, things I like, and not waste eight hours a day on a job that doesn't... well, that I don't want to do, or do it in order to be able to do something fun. So, there we go.

So I'm going to, finally, after all these years (heh, again with that expression, eh?) study art. All like... properly! I'm very, very happy.

And it will provide me with some sort of money, which was the original ulterior motive for it, but oh well. I'm still looking for other jobs, but with this maybe I have taken a step towards becoming an artist? I am sad about not being an archaeologist, but hey, there is a time for everything! And everything happens for a reason and leads to something good, so, I feel pretty fine anyway. If I didn't believe in that, I'd have killed myself years ago. There's always going to be SOMETHING good, no matter how small, along the way.

Well. It's a good day. And outside, there was a snowstorm raging and strong, and I just wanted to kiss people until their heads swam and they smiled silly smiles. I still want to do that, come to thing of it, even if I can only see the outline of the trees swaying in the wind.

Here's today's theme, I think. "Calling You" by Blue October. For various reasons I can't stomach listening to them too much, definitely not with the vast majority of their songs. But this one is just... how much in love I am at the moment. If I could I would, above all else, wish to show this to everyone primary and beyond. And to my friends who I love in other ways, and to all those I just plain like, too.

Here're the lyrics:
There's something that I can't quite explain
I'm so in love with you
You'll never take that away
And if I've said it a hundred times before
Expect a thousand more
You'll never take that away

Well expect me to be
Calling you to see
If you're OK when I'm not around
Asking "if you love me"
I love the way you make it sound
Calling you to see
Do I try too hard to make you smile?
To make us smile

I will keep calling you to see
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming
If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me
I can't believe you actually picked me

I thought that the world had lost it's sway
It's so hard sometimes
Then I fell in love with you
Then came you
And you took that away
It's not so difficult
The world is not so difficult
You take away the old
Show me the new
And I feel like I can fly when I stand next to you
So while I'm on this phone
A hundred miles from home
I'll take the words you gave me and send them back to you

I only want to see
If you're OK when I'm not around
Asking "if you love me"
I love the way you make it sound
Calling you to see
Do I try too hard to make you smile?
To make us smile

I will keep calling you to see
If you're sleeping, are you dreaming
If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me
I can't believe you actually picked me...


...I feel kind of silly. Of course. Love is a bit silly. In a good way.