Lanco

...means "throat" in Quenya.

Rrrright, you hypocrites! So, it's not my fault, is it? I'm not to blame here, am I? Oh. Yes. I. Am. I did it. I kissed him. And it was certainly a very conscious choice, and it was just as conscious to immediately be honest and to tell fox about it.
Stop giving the guy a hard time. Stop avoiding confrontation by talking to others, or around it, or excluding people.

Oh yes you are doing it. You know how, because it's been done to you, once. You know just what you are doing.

And you're jealous. Stop being that, too. It's an ugly, ugly thing, leading to nothing good.

And you're looking for affirmation from others, because you can't affirm yourself, so you need others to do it for you. And you need the affirmation because you're empty, broken, half-done and have a very wobbly self-esteem. Perhaps even self-confidence?

You want everything to go on like it was before. Newsflash: It won't. It never was going to. And guess what? It's all right. It's the way it's supposed to be. Stagnation is bad.


To turn back to other matters, and perhaps back on some kind of half topic, if it hadn't been Anselm, it'd have been someone else. Whoever came up next. It hurts still, yes, and I miss what was good and all but, there is no denying the freedom I feel, even if it was bought with tears, and the way I sometimes look around and realise that from now on, I can be open and talk with anyone about anything. No more being quiet around the ones that should most know, to "spare" them. I become attracted to and I fall in love with, people. Usually, many at the same time. I hurt as damn bad as anyone when it ends or goes badly, and I love as strongly and truly as anyone.


My week down south was interesting. I hope I brought something good with me, too. It was lovely to meet the young one, amongst other things, and also get to dress up to good music. Also, Ardbeg Supernova is better than sex. Just saying. Give me a bottle now.
Started an art blog at tindome-art.blogspot.com as part of my art course. Am writing this as a way of putting off starting a painting in impressionist style with oils.
Impressionist. Gah! I mean... I just paint! And some impressionists seem to be pretty close to the way I paint in any case. But I guess again the need for labels gets the better of people. We'll see how it goes.
The ferry-trip today was very peaceful and beautiful. I love being back up here where there's proper winter because it really wasn't down south-er.


So... yeah. We're in love, I'm in love (or used to be - I'm working hard on getting over it; it feels as if I need to, in order to be fair with him) with fox too but that doesn't work out so we're friends. Get over it, get a therapeutist and get on with life as a better person, instead of going down to your knees and deeper into the murk that is petty behaviour and acting like it's still the old school days.
And I'm still in love with Sunshine and I'm always going to have a friendly crush on Maur (who's got himself engaged, hurrah for them and many heartfelt congratulations!) and I've fallen out of love with others and I'm going to fall into love with yet others and it's all what it needs to be.
Everything leads to something good in the end. But it won't, if we intend on going into it with the idea that it won't, and we're going to be stuck in woe and gloom, if we choose to believe that that's were we are, ought to be and are going to end up.

No one is going to make your life awesome but yourself, and you've damn well got to work towards it to reach that point.
It's time for some REAL introspection. Look deep into yourself, don't hide from your own feelings, deal with them, try to figure out if you're doing anything out of fear or out of love, and then, accept it, and move on.

Happy hippie bullcrap? Then stop listening, why don't you, and let's see how long I can stand being in your presence. Argh.




You know... I seem to recall I decided to bring this kind of rants somewhere else. I usually do, but this once, juuust this once, it seemed appropriate. I am, after all, going through stuff and working through it all. If I needed an excuse.