Minassë

I thought minassë somehow fitting. It means fort, city, with a citadel and central watch tower, and it's root is in mini - stand alone, stick out.


Right. So, some of you, particularily those who know me and meet me irregularily or regularily, know I act... weird, strange, unusual at times. I'm thinking... well, that is, it would seem, after som preliminary and tentative evaluation, that...
I'll be damned. That it'd be so difficult to write.
Here we go again. Yes. That I might have a touch of Asperger's syndrome.

It's not an excuse, far from it, but maybe it can help people understand why I'm so weird at times. Well, I'm sure it's not only that, but I think it can be part of it, and maybe kind of a piece of the cause. So, well, please read up on it a bit, and maybe that'll help you not give up on me entirely. It's okay to draw back at times, I'm far from a very nice person twenty-four/seven, but please know that I'm trying my best to become better, and that some of it is something I'm trying to conquer, but can't help. It's just there. I'm inside my little box and really, really don't get the outside world at times. So, said it. Now you know.


On a related note I think I'm seeing my one stronghold, my steady point and place in the world, being upturned and packed away, and it upsets me more than I know myself. This apartment and all the things that's made it mine, ours, are going down boxes and being shipped away, and the little stronghold and one steady point is shimmering and disappearing. I want to be able to think of homehome like that, like a steady point, but I don't really dare anymore. I need a steady place, somewhere that doesn't change beyond manageability, somwhere I can always return to and where I'm safe and don't have to deal with ever-changing stuff and where I can return to relax and breathe or at least just take a rest. Somewhere... just somewhere. A place. Like this has been. It's no fun packing. It's my little home! My foxden. "Yeah yeah you're coming back, don't fret" you say, and I know, sure, but remember the above paragraph? I love traveling, living elsewhere, but I need to know - there's a steady place I can return to. No matter how long it takes before I do. "A place we can return to someday", in the title of Nobou Uematsu's song. So I don't feel very well at all right now.


And it's such a sunny and nice weather and I've done nothing but packing for all those days. I'm a bit cracked. I don't want to be, I want to be me, and I want to be able to be good to others, to make them happy and smile and laugh, and I want them to feel that they want to do that, too. I like it when people are happy and content.